Sometimes I find myself incredulous at the state of human affairs. Arnold, Sheen, that French guy.
I wonder at the state of stuff. I wonder at the gas prices. I wonder how, it just so happens, I am out of work, struggling to make it and gas goes a buck-plus more a gallon. I wonder if this is a good time to laugh at the utter ridiculousness that surrounds me. I have a Masters. I eat bologna and Top Ramen.
I wonder how many other post-grads are out of work. I wonder if it's just me.
I wonder if I am to be a consummate failure at relationships.
I wonder if my son still repects me. I wonder what he thinks of me.
I wonder a lot.
I think there are a lot of other descriptions that partially define my situation. Depression, anxiety, moroseness, pity. All, among others, certainly apply to some degree. But I continually ask myself, am I making a martyr out of my relationship with myself, or am I just too lazy and self-pre-defined to do something about it? I make that last statement because I feel I work myself into a frenzy of self-loathing that provides me an excuse to justify feelings or behavior. I read into stuff, knead it into a reality thats fits my mood and thusly provide reasoning for any given action, or for that matter, lack of action.
I wonder why I have such a zest for life one moment, and an utter disrergard for my welfare the next. I'm not speaking of dangerous (I'm quite sure there's a terrific adrenaline rush) B.A.S.E. jumping behavior, but rather the negative mental abuse that I tend to feed myself. I'm no good, I'm not worthy, I'm unhireable, I'm a failure. I speak in terms of a job, of a relationship, of being a father, a son, a significant other.
What really annoys me is I know in my heart that these statements are all wrong. I'm a good guy, with my heart in the perfect place. Barring being financially barren, my ability to being a Dad is uncompromised, and uncomparable. I could be a good partner to someone, someday. Now is maybe not the best time for me, or her, but perhaps eventually. And I can successfully fulfill a position, helping myself and a company work towards the future.
So why the negativity? This, this, this is why I wonder.
I see beauty in the world. I am an optimist. I will get work. I will be a positive influence in another's life. I will not fail at the life I have left. I think it's this optimism that sets me up for failure, for the peaks and valleys of optimism and pessimism are joined with steep grades indeed, and I sometimes struggle at the grades, looking upon them less as challenges but more as obstacles. I'm tired of obstacles.
Is nothing ever easy? Ever?
I wonder if I should stop wondering. Questions are a reflex, but not necessarily helpful. Especially if there's no right, or even worse, a fabricated, answer. Doing might be better.
